Feb 142009
 

(Not really… Go and read something else instead of this nonsense).

The Mac world waits with excitement for OS X 10.6 “Snow Leopard”. Here are just some of the exciting features rumoured not to be included.

While the user waits for an application to deign to respond to keyboard or mouse control, the “spinning beachball” will no longer be displayed. Instead, iTunes will be launched: it will connect to imuzak.apple.com and play tunes based on the user’s current library, over which a soothing voice will assure you that user input is very important to your application and you should please hold.

The user will no longer be referred to as “the user”, but as “the subject”.

The OS’s firewall will continue to repeatedly ask the subject whether a given application should accept incoming network connections, but a new response button will be added to the dialogue once the subject has consistently answered the question the same way over 100 times: the subject will be able to click on “What do you think”. As with the other options, the firewall will forget this response immediately, as a safeguard.

The OS will no longer shit bricks whenever the subject attempts to open a zip file that has been downloaded from the Internet. It will instead shit small housing estates, warning the subject that not only has the file been downloaded from the evil parallel universe called the internet – a seething mass of corruption and viruses – but that one day there might actually be a virus for OS X, and that when that day comes you will regret your cavalier actions. The lecture will continue for 14 pages (the subject will click through the interface by clicking “I am but a fool”) and at the end, the subject will be required to agree to a disclaimer absolving Apple of any consequence arising from the opening of the zip file.

AVI and other media files will be handled more intelligently by QuickTime: if the subject browses to a site that contains video material not understood by QuickTime, he will be redirected to the movie trailer section of Apple’s site instead.

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If the Finder insists that a drive is in use and therefore refuses to eject it, the subject will be allowed to insist that the drive is not in fact in use, upon which application will be made to Apple for approval to remove the device. Confirmation by fax may be required.

If an application has an alert for the user, its icon will no longer bounce up and down in the Dock like a 3-year-old ODing on Sunny Delight. Instead, the display will turn black and the text “INCOMING ALERT – URGENT!” will flash on the screen. Access to all other applications will be blocked till the demands have been fully satisfied.

Conclusion

Clearly Apple has another winner on its hands, which will face up well to all 57 varieties of Windows 7 “Titanic” and even the rumoured “Slightly Useful” distribution of Linux.

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