No, I don’t have a light

 Birmingham, Drivel, Society  Comments Off on No, I don’t have a light
Mar 282009

No, sorry, I don’t have a light. I don’t smoke. You scowl and turn away, outraged. But have you considered buying your own “lights”, rather than scowling at those inconsiderate non-smokers who do not carry around such paraphernalia for you?

Nor do I carry clean needles, rolled up banknotes, hookahs or portable chemistry sets from Switzerland. That’s very remiss of me, and I should be here to satisfy the cravings and addictions of anyone who accosts me in the street needing a fix.

Speaking of which, do you have a spoon for my coffee? Stir it for me, would you?

No sugar, thanks.

What can they be suggesting?

 Drivel  Comments Off on What can they be suggesting?
Mar 212009


Left: Oh Gizmo reports today on a “gamer hand exerciser”.

Below: the advertisement appearing beneath the article.


To be fair, the advertisement appears on other pages too, so it’s surely not meant to imply anything… really…

Are you sure?

 Communication, Drivel, Mac software  Comments Off on Are you sure?
Mar 132009

OmniWeb just threw up an alert. The problem wasn’t OmniWeb’s fault (the ethernet plug had fallen out of its socket). But I wonder if anyone facing this challenge has ever tried this suggested course of action…


Music technology preview – a barber writes

 Drivel, Mac software  Comments Off on Music technology preview – a barber writes
Mar 052009

eddie.jpgKeen users of Apple Logic’s EXS24 sampler have many reasons to love Redmatica for their suite of assistive sampling applications and hopefully the long heralded upgrades to the line will appear soon. However, it’s quite a tease to depict the upgraded software ahead of time, and now, to add to our distress, they have put pictures and videos of Jordan Rudess’s beard on their site. Now the man behind the beard is probably a Very Nice Man and is undoubtedly a talented keyboardist and demonstrator of all kinds of music technology. But that face fuzz… it reminds one of… it looks like… No, well, look, let’s be as kind as possible and say that Andreas Dorau and his friends somehow did that sort of thing rather more stylishly, and not just once.

Baldness is no crime either, but contrasting use of bouffant wigs can imbue pointy beards with a whole new mysterious dimension.


 Drivel  Comments Off on Ant
Feb 192009

I saw an ant in the bathroom today. It was very small. I hadn’t given a thought to ants all winter, and I doubt that any had thought of me. But I was pleased to see one again, and perhaps it was pleased to see a human, although I doubt that too.

I should add that the ant was not taking a bath or availing itself of any of the other facilities. Many ants are nearly toothless and even those that do have well-equipped masticatory margins are small so I have no worry that my toothbrush might be borrowed by ants, unless perhaps they are crazy.

Ants keep their teeth in a hat, which they assemble from paper.

People who bought ant hats also bought buzzy fly unisized hats.

The plug-in

 Communication, Drivel, Mac software  Comments Off on The plug-in
Feb 142009


Ah yes, the plug-in.

It’s a good job I only have the one, otherwise I might find it hard to guess which “the plug-in” was being referred to, besides having to click “OK” every time one failed to load.

Nannying applications through every single modal dialogue with no option but “OK” is great fun.

Snow Leopard enhancements revealed

 Drivel, Mac software  Comments Off on Snow Leopard enhancements revealed
Feb 142009

(Not really… Go and read something else instead of this nonsense).

The Mac world waits with excitement for OS X 10.6 “Snow Leopard”. Here are just some of the exciting features rumoured not to be included.

While the user waits for an application to deign to respond to keyboard or mouse control, the “spinning beachball” will no longer be displayed. Instead, iTunes will be launched: it will connect to and play tunes based on the user’s current library, over which a soothing voice will assure you that user input is very important to your application and you should please hold.

The user will no longer be referred to as “the user”, but as “the subject”.

The OS’s firewall will continue to repeatedly ask the subject whether a given application should accept incoming network connections, but a new response button will be added to the dialogue once the subject has consistently answered the question the same way over 100 times: the subject will be able to click on “What do you think”. As with the other options, the firewall will forget this response immediately, as a safeguard.

The OS will no longer shit bricks whenever the subject attempts to open a zip file that has been downloaded from the Internet. It will instead shit small housing estates, warning the subject that not only has the file been downloaded from the evil parallel universe called the internet – a seething mass of corruption and viruses – but that one day there might actually be a virus for OS X, and that when that day comes you will regret your cavalier actions. The lecture will continue for 14 pages (the subject will click through the interface by clicking “I am but a fool”) and at the end, the subject will be required to agree to a disclaimer absolving Apple of any consequence arising from the opening of the zip file.

AVI and other media files will be handled more intelligently by QuickTime: if the subject browses to a site that contains video material not understood by QuickTime, he will be redirected to the movie trailer section of Apple’s site instead.

could not.jpg
If the Finder insists that a drive is in use and therefore refuses to eject it, the subject will be allowed to insist that the drive is not in fact in use, upon which application will be made to Apple for approval to remove the device. Confirmation by fax may be required.

If an application has an alert for the user, its icon will no longer bounce up and down in the Dock like a 3-year-old ODing on Sunny Delight. Instead, the display will turn black and the text “INCOMING ALERT – URGENT!” will flash on the screen. Access to all other applications will be blocked till the demands have been fully satisfied.


Clearly Apple has another winner on its hands, which will face up well to all 57 varieties of Windows 7 “Titanic” and even the rumoured “Slightly Useful” distribution of Linux.

Florian Schneider to join Oasis

 Communication, Drivel, Music, Society  Comments Off on Florian Schneider to join Oasis
Jan 082009

Oase.jpgFlorian Schneider of Kraftwerk is to join Oasis on rhythm guitar and flute, it was announced on Kraftwerk’s Web site yesterday.

Well actually that’s not true at all as you probably guessed. But other claims should also be questioned. Could mass media reporters who keep repeating the “Schneider leaves Kraftwerk” story from blogs they’ve read please check their facts before posting spurious links to sites that either say nothing of the sort or are completely unofficial?

The story of the resignation might well be true or it might well not – but we’re not going to find out the truth from Journalism 2.0.

Guest Music Blog Review Spot

 Communication, Drivel, Music  Comments Off on Guest Music Blog Review Spot
Nov 192008

Guest music blog music review spot blog Martin Fungelhype III blogs spottily in this spot guest spot blog spot.


Meh Clopstump is a founding member of New Zealand outsider sound art-rock triumvirate Bunky Slink Disorder and has been active as an arranger, guitarist and conceptual theoretician since Thursday. His glacial textures embellished the steady droning of drummer FFFfff! Smith Jr. (who famously never drums, preferring to drone) and stochastic inversions of accordionist Graeme bLeaK-SPaZz. Clopstrom’s debut solo excursion, Rockets of Sunlight Cascaded into Her Carousel Leaving Me to Kiss the Varnished Twilight excited many with its reverberant wash of guitar tone (just the one) based on the concept of strumming only “the best” two strings of a chord found in a scrap of manuscript found in a public urinal. The 356 tracks, all called ‘Whippet (Part 9)’ highlighted Clopstrum’s sensitivity to light and shade, and his short attention span.

Fall Leaves Fell on Your Limbs but the Ache of Your Belonging Will Always Leave me Resplendent in Cool Architectures of Distant Song is Clopstrom’s sophomore release and has continued the vector of the pre-sophomore release Rockets of Sunlight Cascaded into Her Carousel Leaving Me to Kiss the Varnished Twilight so ambitiously that it may not be understood by anyone who isn’t a clever blog music critic who always writes “sophomore” whenever he means “second” – unless of course, they are sophomores in Eng. Lit., because Fall Leaves Fell on Your Limbs but the Ache of Your Belonging Will Always Leave me Resplendent in Cool Architectures of Distant Song carries no less than one literary reference, a subtle homage to Joyce which most of you would have missed, in its sole (65 minute) track ‘Rosemary Came Away to the Rodeo in Shards of Daffodil Spores and Danced but We Left Her in Fields of Obsidian Regret and Translucent Rapture by that Afternoon’s Swift Longing’, this being the chant of “F***!” repeated every 10 minutes into a reverb unit with all the controls set to “11” whilst Clopstump’s hamster, Charles, walks along the fretboard of his guitar – that’s Clopstump’s guitar of course, hamsters don’t own guitars, they just play them sometimes when guided by geniuses such as Clopstrom. I think.

In short, there is just one word that can adequately sum up this album, and that’s “sophomoric”. And there’s no higher praise for a sophomore album than that.

I give it 4 fuzzy spiders out of 5.